So I took Monday off in an attempt to get a handle on the final shopping for the grad party this Friday. I was pretty pumped about having a whole day to get things done, by myself, and I was also stoked because it was "A Funeral For Your Fat" Night at Piloxing Fusion that evening.
I knew it was going to be a happy day when I put on my jean shorts from last summer and they were a bit loose and I didn't have to suck in my gut to button them. I was like "Hell Yeah, that's right, a lot of sweat and you can put your pants on without the help of industrial pliers) I got the boys off to school and once I filled up with gas in the car I was off. Bob and Tom were keeping me company and making me smile in my car as they always do. I decided to hit the mall first. I had a graduation gift to get and figured while I was in there I would pick up a new top for the grad party.
Gift shopping was a breeze and the salesgirl was a doll. So after window shopping a few stores I went into one and after explaining to the salesperson that picking out clothes wasn't necessary a strength of mine but I really just wanted a spring/summer top for my son's grad party, she was extremely kind and picked out some things to try on. They looked pretty on the hanger, and in my mind I pictured how cute I would look in them. Now I'm not one to show emotion in front of strangers, and I usually can keep it bottled pretty well until I can get somewhere alone but after trying on top after top and combination of tops, my mood went from happy to discouraged then to disappointment. Not disappointment in the salesgirl, but in myself for letting myself get to the shape I'm in. Even though I have been doing so much better in the last 57 days than I have in years (exercising regularly, eating so much better and drinking an ocean of water), lets just say at that moment I was not seeing the results of my hard work. In fact, I got so choked up and upset that before I knew it, I had tears in my eyes and a tightness in my throat. I tried to calm myself down before coming out of the dressing room (I picked nothing) and trying so quickly to leave the store but the salesgirl caught me to ask me how it was going and with tears down my face (which were flowing uncontrollably) I just said that maybe today wasn't the best to shop and I barely was able to get that out to her. She smiled and was very understanding but I had to sit on a bench in the middle of the mall and try to calm myself down. As I was walking out of the store, my daughter called and was giving me an update of her day and from my tone she asked what was wrong and I said I hate shopping for clothes. It looks great on the hanger, unfortunately not that great on me. My daughter exclaimed that I was beautiful and that she would take me shopping and we would find something great. But while sitting on that bench in the mall, those walking by probably thought I'd gotten a phone call that my cat died. Let's just say the rest of the day my mind was kicking itself saying how could I let this happen. Now I really do think that mirrors in dressing rooms are a bit evil but then again maybe they are not really evil but honest. I didn't put this weight all on in 57 days and it is going to take more than 57 days to take it off, but would it be too much to ask to be able to "see" a bit of difference.
So by the time I finished shopping and got home and loaded everything it was time to go to Fusion. Now I'm not one to share my woes but my friend was having a rotten day and at that moment all I wanted to do was support her in her not so great day. My little mind trick on myself while standing in a dressing room alone was nothing compared to the day she had.
Sometimes you need an outside source and a little perspective to snap yourself out of your pity party or funk. That was mine. My friend was upset and I all wanted to do was be there for her, even if it was only to listen and let her vent. That made ME feel better.
So I got a wonderful surprise on my desk this morning from my AMAZING daughter. Made me SMILE and tear up at what I great kid I raised!!!!
So here it is another day. Yesterday was a big hill and valley day, it would say it started out as an adventure but turned into a major challenge. Maybe Aunt Tilly is coming to visit, or maybe getting ready for a grad party basically by myself (my poor hubby is stuck in Spring Seed world and is just as tired as I am except he has to haul around heavy bags of seed) So Spring planting and graduation do not mix well. I know I put large expectations upon myself and this is something I'm working on but is one of my greatest challenges.
So this was my Quotes of the Day for Yesterday:
Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation.
EXPECTING is my favorite crime and
DISAPPOINTMENT is always my punishment
But today's quote is giving me hope!
So to stumble into a deep valley of self pity is not something I recommend but it is something I know to well. But all it took was a friend in need and I snapped out of it. Those I care for mean more to me than my pity party and for those I care for I am eternally grateful for them. For without them, I wouldn't be able to see the light and would remain in the dark.
I had to share this, I had to write this down to show my journey. For when I look back at this post, I WANT to remember how I felt, but most of all I want to show to myself how far I have come and how even the tiniest of steps forward is just that A STEP FORWARD.
Thank you for reading and for keeping me accountable. May your Tuesday be filled with margaritas and tacos and perhaps a siesta. Happy Cinco de Mayo! For today is a day to be thankful for. As my boss and I always say to each other each morning, it's a good day any day you wake up and you are still breathing!
So onward and upward my friends. "Stay Classy" as Ron Burgundy would say!
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