I'm rather disappointed in myself for going 3 days in a row, now I'm not just sitting at home and watching TV, I've been really busy doing things for church and so forth, but that's not a good enough excuse, at least not to me.
But after looking back on my posts and my food journal app that allows me to put in notes, I know the real reason, even though it is completely subconscious. On the 27th of this month, it will mark the 35 anniversary since my mom died. I think subconsciously my body know this and even though I am excited about the upcoming holiday season, there is a part of me that is broken. Even after 35 years, I still miss her terribly and wish she was here to meet my husband and children. I don't mean to be melancholy and I do a pretty good job of hiding it, in fact I should get an Oscar for my performance as a well adjusted happy go lucky person on certain days. I don't sleep very well this time of year, just my mind taking over and opening the door to sliver to let out a memory of two to remind me that I did have a mother and my life would have been so different had she not left us so soon.
So I'm chalking up the last three days as my own little pity party that apparently I was the only one invited. It wasn't the best party as I don't eat any of the good snacks anymore. (ok, I still have my sense of humor)
I plan on going to boot camp class tonight and hopefully working out all this on the floor and maybe releasing some of my pent up sadness, guilt, self-pity, loss, whatever you want to call it.
I have always said that each day is a gift and as someone who has lost her parents very early in life, every day I get to spend with my kids is just that "a gift", even when I want to wring their little necks or roll my eyes because I can't believe they just said something completely insane.
So the past three days I can tell that my endorphins that you get from working out are a little low in my tank. Probably because I didn't work out, but after writing this blog and getting a little perspective, I know the cause, now it's up to be for the effect.
This month is always a challenge for me, because unless you have lost a parent, especially one when you are 13, then it's hard to explain to someone else exactly what you are feeling.
So I'm going to put on my workout clothes when I get home, lace up sneakers, fill up my water bottle and go to class. I'm going to sweat, smile, laugh and hopefully not twist, break or bruise anything that I cannot live without.
Staying silently strong is a talent I have perfected for many years. With the help of this blog and support from all of you, I no longer have to be silent.
P.S. Note to self in November 2018, you are a good person, you are a great mother, and your parents would be very proud of all you have accomplished thus far. Remember that and all the rest is just gravy.
So thanks for reading and for all the encouragement, this funk too shall pass and I've decided today is as good as any to shut the sadness door. It's like any door, if you leave it open too long, eventual you get flies and nobody likes flies. So before I get flies, I will cherish the things I can remember and let go of the pain of the loss and while I'm at it, I will work on my positive, rather than wallow in my negative.
So I promise a more upbeat post next week, cause I will officially be wearing a dress this weekend, the first dress I've basically worn since my wedding and that was 28 years ago. So I guess I'm due. I will post pics, the first will be the one in my dress, and as my daughter witnessed at Kohl's last week when I bought heals, the second will be of me in my cast after trying to walk more than three feet in my heals....lol
No comments:
Post a Comment