6 Months - how many M&Ms did I lose?

Well this post is taking a lot for me to do.  Didn't realize how emotional I would become just having to post pictures of myself.  But then again, I don't look at pictures of myself and now I realize why I have avoided doing so.  I have cropped all my "before" pictures to save the identity of the innocent.  As I cropped each picture, I felt a welling of unhappiness and despair and tears, if I am being brutally honest.  I remember the unhappiness I felt and the feelings of inadequency, of having others make me feel less than, for letting other people have control over my thoughts and in general, my world. And to be honest, these people probably thought nothing of me, or maybe I just craved them to like me and include me.  But I came to the realization that I can't change them, the only person I have control over is me (and all my multiple personalities that live my my head).

When I look at the before pictures of myself, I didn't feel like I think I looked.  I thought I was overweight, but in no way did I ever imagine that I was as delusional as I was.  I always joke I never had a full length mirror and I now think maybe that was a HUGE error on my part and I'm going out to purchase one post haste.  I'm only 6 months into this journey and even though my clothes hang on me and the number of the scale is smaller, in my mind's eye, when I'm not in front of a mirror, I still see the old me.  I don't feel like the old me, but I still see the old me, this is a hurdle I'm slowing trying to crawl over.

So for those that have been waiting to see what my stats are at 6 months, here we go:

Months No Soda or Alcohol:  8 months

Months No Pasta/Bread/Potatoes:  6 months

Days a Week Working out:  6 times a week at least 30 minutes or more

TOTAL POUNDS LOST TO DATE:

76

Yes, 76 pounds.  Let's put that into perspective shall we.

76 pounds is equal in weight to:

38,000 - Plain M&M's

51 dozen - Krispy Creme Doughnuts-Glazed

588 - Regular Sized Snickers Bars

304 - Sticks of Butter

7.6 bags - Potatoes (10 lbs)

I never thought I would get to 76 pounds in 6 months.  But each day I woke up and made the decision to stick to my routine.  Drink water, eat protein and vegetables. stay away from sweets and processed foods.  Go to the gym.  In the beginning I HAD to tell myself from the minute I woke up until the minute my head hit the pillow that I HAD to do this.  But 6 months in, I don't think of it anymore as HAVE TO.  I wake up now and just do it.  I don't even think about it, it's just the way it is.  I have my weak moments, like when an Olive Garden commercial comes on and it's been cold and raining and comfort food is an excellent choice and seeing all that melted cheese on a lasagna and butter dripping off the breadsticks, I'd lick the tv screen if I thought it would help, but then again I'd be the one that would have to clean the screen and cleaning up my drool off my television screen isn't something high on my to do list. 

My struggle was emotional and until I came to grips with it and got over feeling bad over things I had no control of, my journey was going to fail.  I still struggle but I don't eat how I feel anymore.  Maybe some of what I was feeling was all in my own imagination, but I know some of it wasn't, it was very real and very painful, I don't let others have that power anymore.  If they don't want to be in my company, well, then it's their loss. 

I know now my weight gain was emotional and food was my therapist.  
Now when I express my feelings, I'm reminded of what a wise man told me,
"If someone replies to your feelings, then they either have also been the victim or are guilty of the crime of which you profess."
 But once I got beyond worrying about what everyone else thought, I found out I didn't need their approval to be happy.  I also did it on my terms, no gimmicks, no quick fixes, no starvation or yucky shakes.  Just a complete overhaul of my day to day.  I have great friends who support and encourage me and without my hubby and kids supporting me I wouldn't be as far as I am.  

I'm not perfect by any means, but I do know I'm a good person, I have a good heart and I'm there when someone needs me.  I would walk through fire before I would let anyone feel like they didn't matter.  

And luckily for me, I finally  decided to walk through fire for the one person I wasn't helping or taking care of.....ME!

So please be kind when you comment because I'm not proud of the before in fact I'm truly disappointed in how I lost myself. I must stress how hard it is for me to post these, in fact, I'm probably talking more in this post to just postpone having to link the pics, but after lots of hard work and dedication, I'm happy to say that my first "after" pic there is a difference. I see a small difference but others tell me it's big. My eye is probably more critical but I'm my own worst critic. 
FYI:  the last pic of the before was taken exactly 2 days before I started this journey. 

BEFORE

I have no one to blame but myself, but in the same breath I can pat myself on the back for getting this far.  6 months ago I couldn't run, my knees hurt, my clothes were tight.  I hated being the "fat" one in pictures.  My energy level was low and my internal happiness level was down right invisible. I seemed happy on the outside but inside it was a struggle.  I internalized everything and apparently many many pounds of junk food. I still live in my head but now all my personalities are playing nice with a common goal.  My PMS self is a bit more cranky now she doesn't get her chocolate but a hot shower and extra sleep usually appease her.  

But I can run 20 minutes straight on the treadmill, when I started I couldn't run I could barely walk 30 minutes without limping for days because of the pain in my knees. When I started I could barely do 15 minutes on the elliptical at level 1, Now I do 40 minutes at level 22.  I'm still working on the push up thing, but am working on it, upper body strengthening and planks will be the death of me I'm sure.  I own a pair of jeans that the size begins with a 1, not a 2.  Heck even had to buy new bras and underwear because the old ones were too big and baggy.  Clothes that were tight on me before, now hang on me. I actually have to wear a belt with some of my old pants so they don't fall off until I get to shopping for more.  I don't have to shop in the plus size section.  I have clothes that have "L" in the size instead of XL or 2XL.  I even have an a few "M"s. Ladies out there will understand the significance of that. That is a huge shock to my system.

Okay enough stalling, here are the after pictures.  And remember I'm doing my best!

AFTER

This has been one of my more honest and emotional posts but when I look back on this in September 2017 which will be one year from when I started, I hope that I see even more improvement, but I sincerely wish I have the hope in my heart that I have now.

Everyone deserves to live their best selves.  Sometimes the biggest obstacle we have to get over is ourselves.  And after looking at my before pictures, I really was a big obstacle to have to get over, but luckily, with a little determination, guidance, and a can do attitude, I got this far and I'm going to go farther.  I have six months to hit my goal I have for myself.  I never thought 6 months could change anything, but after looking at my pictures, 6 months is a lifetime of difference and it all began with one day and hope!

So please comment and thank you for following me on this journey.  I'm amazed at how many read my posts, but it's also encouraging when I read your comments and IM's that you send.  They make my gloomy days bright and my bright days dazzle.

So until April my friends, stay hopeful!

What did we do before technology?

I know you are all waiting "patiently" for me to post my 6 month pics and I will.  I just seriously have not had a moment to put on something I'm willing for the world to see me in and take a pic.  I promise they will be coming post haste.

Anyway, I got a strange IM yesterday.  So they asked me if I was who I was, and if I was the daughter of my mother (is this confusing enough, don't want to be throwing out names and such to keep the innocent safe).  I replied back that I was and low and behold, found a cousin from my mothers side that I haven't seen since my mother passed in 1982.  Let's just say my father wasn't the best at keeping me and my siblings in touch with her side of the family.

At first I was excited, thrilled.  I had tried on my own to find people, but people get married, names change, everyone moves to all corners of the universe and I have to admit my memory was a bit fuzzy on details of all those involved.

It was nice to hear they had been looking for us also. But as with any story involving family, with the sweet comes the bitter.  Basically out of all 7 siblings (my mom included) there is only one uncle, Uncle John, left.  The rest have passed on.  Which in a way is really quite sad.  I realize I haven't seen these individuals in 32 years, though I did see my Uncle Gene and Aunt Brenda, Aunt Mary, and Grandmother Rose in 1995 when we visited Texas, but it was only a 24 hour visit and to be honest,   there was a thirteen year gap from the funeral until Texas, and they didn't know me and I really didn't know them very well.  I remembered bits and pieces but have to say it just made me miss my mom more.

So there are cousins that are still around and luckily one of them found me on Facebook.  Now I've basically gone through my life with very little family besides my immediate family, but after the passing of my mom, dad, and all my grandparents, it's funny how staying in touch seems to blend away in time.

So I am digesting all the information I am getting and to be honest, it's a lot to process.  Maybe you come from big families and this whole concept is foreign to you.  And to be honest, I'm so glad it is foreign to you.  I would be thrilled to have lots of family that has known me since birth.  But unfortunately that number is dwindling to a very small and exclusive club and I unfortunately haven't been on the guest list to get in for some time.

So this week has been more thinking of my mom and remembering the small bits I can remember of her family.  I am still working out every day, but this information seems to be flooding my brain and I'm a bit distracted, which I'm sure is normal.  Would be the first time I was ever "normal"!

So as I process this wonderful thing that happened, I will get my camera charged, put on some clothes (no nude pics happening here, ladies and gentlemen, not that kind of blog) and take an after pic for all to see.

So thank you for your patience and support.  This has been definitely an interesting development.  Now to see where it leads......

How much for Grapes? or Creating your own Chia Pet

Ok, so when you go "healthy"  you think all things are going to be great.  You hear about it from tv, magazines and radio, then you find out one of the Biggest Loser coaches has a heart attack while working out.  I know that it was probably something hereditary, but it makes you think.
Plus cost wise, it's a bit more pricey to eat healthy than to eat quick! You see how much it cost to buy fresh fruit and vegetables and trying to find an alternative to potatoes and pasta is a downright trainwreck.  Why can I buy tator tots for $1.99 a package but the alternative broccoli tots are $3.89 and there are less in the package, plus trying to find them it like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  You have to be in the right place at the right time.

I have used google, pinterest and the internet to vast extremes.  Now the pictures of the foods they show you may look great, but when you make them in reality, let's face it, it will make you just pick up the phone and order a pizza!  Plus why does eating healthy have to be so time consuming.  You want a pizza, you rip off the wrapper and throw it into the oven or better yet, dial your favorite local pizzeria and viola, you have supper.  When half of my household doesn't do bread, this makes things more challenging.  Yes, I've made the cauliflower pizza crust and yes, it's good, but man, when I get home from work some days I don't want to spend half my time getting appliances out (ie food processor, press, blender) to whip up these culinary masterpieces. Just so you are aware, I have very limited counter space, so getting these things require going up and down my stairs to my basement to retrieve said appliance, taking them out of the box (yes I still have the original boxes for many of them, keeps them from getting too dusty in the basement) then having to wash and put it back because I don't have the counter space to just let it hang in the kitchen.

I hear a few of you saying, hey that's extra steps, extra exercise!  Yes you are correct, but when I get home after work and then going to work out the last thing on my mind is "Let's do some stairs!!!!"  Messing up the kitchen preparing something I am only going to eat about 5 bites of can be a bit discouraging.  Also I have a growing 15 year old that has involuntarily been on this journey with us and I feel like I'm depriving him of the comfort food all kids should have on a regular basis while their metabolism is still high.  Even though he is a trooper and I do occasionally make him spaghetti or some other deliciously creamy delight he wishes.

I don't know if you've ever tried staying away from processed foods, potatoes, pasta and bread, but let me tell you, until you decide to no longer partake in them you don't realize how much of what you ate was that.

Also due to my diet change, a side effect is losing hair.  Now I've had a full head of hair since birth.  Always been something of mine that I took a little pride in.  I have naturally curly/wavy hair.  Well apparently since I'm eating healthy and under a doctor's care (you didn't think I just started this journey on a whim,heck no, I have a certified doctor that tells me what to do, I needed guidance for sure), this is something that can happen.  So the whole time I was eating sinfully delicious foods, I had great hair, I change my lifestyle to be healthy in order to lose weight to make sure I don't have to have knee surgery in my forties and the trade off it HAIR LOSS.  My doctor reassures me that this is temporary, but I swear every morning when I do my hair, I could make my own chia pet. In fact the hubby was saying that we may need to start grooming the cats due to the hair in the bathroom rugs, until I pointed out to him it wasn't the cats that were shedding but his incredible shrinking wife.  If I ball up a weeks worth of what falls from my head, my cats would think we adopted another pet.

You would think with all this "healthy eating" it would make your hair more healthy, but guess all the changes in my body and taking ALL my vitamins and such, it is too much of a shock on my system and the way the body resets itself is to let your hair fall out.  Now apparently this is normal, but not for me.  New hair is growing and I've adjusted some supplements to help with this transition but have to admit, every day I see hair fall from my head a little part of me says, "Is this really worth it?"  I'm not a vain person, but my hair has always been something I've always fit into, if I didn't like it one day, all it took was a phone call to my fav hairdresser and presto chango, a new me.

So this week has been a challenge for me but with next week being the 6 month mark, I'm a bit giddy to see the change.  I don't have a great before photo but I have a few that will give me an idea.  I found this saying:

It's been 24 1/2 weeks since I started this and I have to admit, I see a little change, but apparently it must be bigger than I think because of the feedback I get from people.  You never see yourself as other see you.  Plus not owning a full length mirror probably helped in my denial process.
So stay tuned next week when I will officially post photos.  This will require a lot of courage on my part as I'm more of a behind the camera girl than the object of the photo.  So when you do see it, please be kind because it really is taking all my nerve to actually take the 6 month after photo and post it!

So you see not every week is sunshine and flowers, some are harder to get through, but if we didn't have valleys would wouldn't be able to appreciate the view from the mountain!

So until next week my friends, stay strong, stay smiling!