6 Months - how many M&Ms did I lose?

Well this post is taking a lot for me to do.  Didn't realize how emotional I would become just having to post pictures of myself.  But then again, I don't look at pictures of myself and now I realize why I have avoided doing so.  I have cropped all my "before" pictures to save the identity of the innocent.  As I cropped each picture, I felt a welling of unhappiness and despair and tears, if I am being brutally honest.  I remember the unhappiness I felt and the feelings of inadequency, of having others make me feel less than, for letting other people have control over my thoughts and in general, my world. And to be honest, these people probably thought nothing of me, or maybe I just craved them to like me and include me.  But I came to the realization that I can't change them, the only person I have control over is me (and all my multiple personalities that live my my head).

When I look at the before pictures of myself, I didn't feel like I think I looked.  I thought I was overweight, but in no way did I ever imagine that I was as delusional as I was.  I always joke I never had a full length mirror and I now think maybe that was a HUGE error on my part and I'm going out to purchase one post haste.  I'm only 6 months into this journey and even though my clothes hang on me and the number of the scale is smaller, in my mind's eye, when I'm not in front of a mirror, I still see the old me.  I don't feel like the old me, but I still see the old me, this is a hurdle I'm slowing trying to crawl over.

So for those that have been waiting to see what my stats are at 6 months, here we go:

Months No Soda or Alcohol:  8 months

Months No Pasta/Bread/Potatoes:  6 months

Days a Week Working out:  6 times a week at least 30 minutes or more

TOTAL POUNDS LOST TO DATE:

76

Yes, 76 pounds.  Let's put that into perspective shall we.

76 pounds is equal in weight to:

38,000 - Plain M&M's

51 dozen - Krispy Creme Doughnuts-Glazed

588 - Regular Sized Snickers Bars

304 - Sticks of Butter

7.6 bags - Potatoes (10 lbs)

I never thought I would get to 76 pounds in 6 months.  But each day I woke up and made the decision to stick to my routine.  Drink water, eat protein and vegetables. stay away from sweets and processed foods.  Go to the gym.  In the beginning I HAD to tell myself from the minute I woke up until the minute my head hit the pillow that I HAD to do this.  But 6 months in, I don't think of it anymore as HAVE TO.  I wake up now and just do it.  I don't even think about it, it's just the way it is.  I have my weak moments, like when an Olive Garden commercial comes on and it's been cold and raining and comfort food is an excellent choice and seeing all that melted cheese on a lasagna and butter dripping off the breadsticks, I'd lick the tv screen if I thought it would help, but then again I'd be the one that would have to clean the screen and cleaning up my drool off my television screen isn't something high on my to do list. 

My struggle was emotional and until I came to grips with it and got over feeling bad over things I had no control of, my journey was going to fail.  I still struggle but I don't eat how I feel anymore.  Maybe some of what I was feeling was all in my own imagination, but I know some of it wasn't, it was very real and very painful, I don't let others have that power anymore.  If they don't want to be in my company, well, then it's their loss. 

I know now my weight gain was emotional and food was my therapist.  
Now when I express my feelings, I'm reminded of what a wise man told me,
"If someone replies to your feelings, then they either have also been the victim or are guilty of the crime of which you profess."
 But once I got beyond worrying about what everyone else thought, I found out I didn't need their approval to be happy.  I also did it on my terms, no gimmicks, no quick fixes, no starvation or yucky shakes.  Just a complete overhaul of my day to day.  I have great friends who support and encourage me and without my hubby and kids supporting me I wouldn't be as far as I am.  

I'm not perfect by any means, but I do know I'm a good person, I have a good heart and I'm there when someone needs me.  I would walk through fire before I would let anyone feel like they didn't matter.  

And luckily for me, I finally  decided to walk through fire for the one person I wasn't helping or taking care of.....ME!

So please be kind when you comment because I'm not proud of the before in fact I'm truly disappointed in how I lost myself. I must stress how hard it is for me to post these, in fact, I'm probably talking more in this post to just postpone having to link the pics, but after lots of hard work and dedication, I'm happy to say that my first "after" pic there is a difference. I see a small difference but others tell me it's big. My eye is probably more critical but I'm my own worst critic. 
FYI:  the last pic of the before was taken exactly 2 days before I started this journey. 

BEFORE

I have no one to blame but myself, but in the same breath I can pat myself on the back for getting this far.  6 months ago I couldn't run, my knees hurt, my clothes were tight.  I hated being the "fat" one in pictures.  My energy level was low and my internal happiness level was down right invisible. I seemed happy on the outside but inside it was a struggle.  I internalized everything and apparently many many pounds of junk food. I still live in my head but now all my personalities are playing nice with a common goal.  My PMS self is a bit more cranky now she doesn't get her chocolate but a hot shower and extra sleep usually appease her.  

But I can run 20 minutes straight on the treadmill, when I started I couldn't run I could barely walk 30 minutes without limping for days because of the pain in my knees. When I started I could barely do 15 minutes on the elliptical at level 1, Now I do 40 minutes at level 22.  I'm still working on the push up thing, but am working on it, upper body strengthening and planks will be the death of me I'm sure.  I own a pair of jeans that the size begins with a 1, not a 2.  Heck even had to buy new bras and underwear because the old ones were too big and baggy.  Clothes that were tight on me before, now hang on me. I actually have to wear a belt with some of my old pants so they don't fall off until I get to shopping for more.  I don't have to shop in the plus size section.  I have clothes that have "L" in the size instead of XL or 2XL.  I even have an a few "M"s. Ladies out there will understand the significance of that. That is a huge shock to my system.

Okay enough stalling, here are the after pictures.  And remember I'm doing my best!

AFTER

This has been one of my more honest and emotional posts but when I look back on this in September 2017 which will be one year from when I started, I hope that I see even more improvement, but I sincerely wish I have the hope in my heart that I have now.

Everyone deserves to live their best selves.  Sometimes the biggest obstacle we have to get over is ourselves.  And after looking at my before pictures, I really was a big obstacle to have to get over, but luckily, with a little determination, guidance, and a can do attitude, I got this far and I'm going to go farther.  I have six months to hit my goal I have for myself.  I never thought 6 months could change anything, but after looking at my pictures, 6 months is a lifetime of difference and it all began with one day and hope!

So please comment and thank you for following me on this journey.  I'm amazed at how many read my posts, but it's also encouraging when I read your comments and IM's that you send.  They make my gloomy days bright and my bright days dazzle.

So until April my friends, stay hopeful!